A year ago, I made the mistake of confusing hating Berlin with not wanting to live in a big city anymore, and I moved to a small town. It didn't go well.

At the same time, I declared 2024 to be the Year of Friendship. Those two things combined resulted in one of the worst times of my life. I had never felt more alone than in the first six months of this year.

Fortunately, after accepting that I made an oopsie and needed to rectify the situation, I went ahead and found a new apartment in the city where I spent my most formative years. It felt like coming home.

Which brings us back to my yearly theme: Was 2024 the Year of Friendship?

Absolutely.

The second half of the year was one of my best and most social ever. It surprisingly made 2024 the best year in recent history. Spending the summer, autumn, and winter surrounded by friends compensated for my time in loneliness enough for this year to be considered a success.

This was a triumph.

HUGE SUCCESS.

Being able to apologize properly is a skill worth honing. At least for those of us who aren’t perfect. It's helpful in almost any situation involving other people, which, it turns out, are most of the important ones.

Since my whole family consisted of people unable to apologize, I could not have been farther away from being able to do so myself. I'm sure I hurt a couple of people on my way to getting better at it.

I had to be proven wrong, repeatedly, to finally accept that I’m fallible.

That I'm not only possibly wrong, but likely.

Years later, I’d look back, realizing I’d misjudged situations I once felt sure about. Each of these moments chipped away at my arrogance, leaving a simple truth: I can and will mess up.

This changed my reaction to criticism. Instead of defending myself, I started considering if it might be valid.

I had to learn to put my ego aside and...

Bids for connection are moments in relationships (no matter what kind) where somebody indirectly asks the other person to share an experience with them. These moments might not seem like much, but when accumulated, they are important for the health of the relationship.

Steven Pinker states that good writing is pointing out:

Pinker suggests approaching writing as if you were pointing something in the environment out to another person – something that she would notice for herself, if only she knew where to look. Imagine directing someone's gaze across a valley, to a specific house on the other side. "You should pretend," writes Pinker, "that you, the writer, see something in the world that's interesting, and that you're directing the attention of your reader to that thing." He calls this the "joint attention" strategy.

It helps me to consider my writing as a bid for connection with the reader. I'm pointing something out, asking for joint attention.

It doesn't have to be an earth-shattering new idea or the most exciting piece of content ever. It's just a small moment that we share.

I treat relationships, health, and hobbies like projects that demand effort, and whose success is my responsibility.

They become a perpetuum mobile of self-efficacy. The more I invest, the more control I feel over my life. This builds momentum. This flywheel can only be stopped by a lack of kindness toward myself.

To make this work, I see the things important to me as malleable, and I see myself as someone who can shape them.

Since everything, including myself, changes over time, this is a never-ending cycle of improvement. Hoping something will stay the same is a futile fight against entropy.

So I embrace entropy as a fundamental truth and consider everything important to me as a fun project I get to work on.

Making an effort is never wasted.

Not necessarily directly but perhaps slightly related to my Year of Friendship, I bought a bag of shelled peanuts and stuffed a handful of them in my jacket pocket.

I'm befriending crows now.

Nothing can stop me.

It's legal, it's possible, it's necessary.

This is not my first foray into bird friendship territory. After reading The Bird Way, a fantastic book by the way, I started greeting crows. Jennifer Ackerman's half-joking conclusion was that there's a non-zero chance that crows will rule the world one day, and I want to be on their good side, in case this happens faster than expected. Even if they keep their talons still and don't overthrow us, they also can remember human faces for years and are not shy to declare certain people their enemies and even tell their friends about them.

Anyway! In hopes of being recognized as a good source of snacks, I started throwing peanuts in the general direction of crows.

There are so many people with crow friends sharing their corvid adventures online, why shouldn't I be one of them?

I'm not lonely, you're lonely! Expect my pivotal role in some Home Alone remake in the future.

By the way: For more about a world ruled by corvids, I suggest Children of Memory. However, it's best to start with the first two books of the trilogy.

It just so happened that I now live in a city where I don’t really know anyone. That could be a problem, but only if I let it become one. Instead, I want to embrace it as a project.

If I were someone who defined a Cortex style yearly theme, my theme for 2024 would be “The Year of Friendship”. Numerous studies, scientists, and - I guess - life coaches agree: Your relationships shape your life. Having a robust social life is key to happiness. The book The Good Life discusses this at length. It’s about the Grant Study that has been running for literally generations and conclusively shows that people consider their life to have been a good one when they had strong relationships.

My condolences to myself, as I don’t have a choice and somehow have to make new friends.

This shouldn’t be hard. Statistically, nearly half of the German people my age feel lonely. I just have to find those who are eager to change something about their situation.

Unfortunately, I’m not somebody who signs up for soccer practice or some kind of choir. I actually can’t come up with any group activity I’d like to do, except for joining a book club, but there doesn’t seem to be one in Schwerin. I’d start one, but… yes, I don’t know people yet. Apps like Bumble BFF are a no-go as well, I’m afraid. Nobody seems to use them here. Working remotely also removes the possibility of befriending colleagues.

Which leaves me with a couple of not very good ideas for now:

• Joining a gym. I’d do this anyway, and it’s not the most social thing ever, but it’s something where I might meet people? Maybe?
• Getting into running. That’s on my bucket list for this year as well, and - again - not a very social activity, but as soon as I become something of a runner, I can join some kind of running group…? That’s something people do, right?
• Bouldering? I guess? I did this once and it ended up with me having to ram thrombosis injections into my then-girlfriend’s leg every day for six weeks. The half hour of trying to get up a fake-mountain was kind of fun, though. But do people make friends while hanging off an indoor cliff?
• Start working in coworking spaces and cafes. This one has potential. The only problem is that I actually like to work when I’m working, and I tend to be focused and not very talkative when trying to get stuff done. I would need to not do that and instead try to talk to people. “Hello, fellow human, what are your thoughts about caffeinated beverages?” This will be great.

Why is this list so sports-heavy? Something like competitive knitting or hackathons would be much more in my wheelhouse. Unfortunately both aren’t available.

I’m optimistic that something will work, even though I haven’t found the perfect solution yet. This post isn’t supposed to sound self-pitying. It’s just the text I can link to when I tell you about all the friends I made in my review of 2024. There will be check-ins along the way. Looking at this like a project makes it easier for me to actually try new things and see what works.

If you have other ideas, or by some kind of freak accident, know somebody who lives in Schwerin and needs somebody to hang out with, let me know.