Being able to apologize properly is a skill worth honing. At least for those of us who aren’t perfect. It's helpful in almost any situation involving other people, which, it turns out, are most of the important ones.
Since my whole family consisted of people unable to apologize, I could not have been farther away from being able to do so myself. I'm sure I hurt a couple of people on my way to getting better at it.
I had to be proven wrong, repeatedly, to finally accept that I’m fallible.
That I'm not only possibly wrong, but likely.
Years later, I’d look back, realizing I’d misjudged situations I once felt sure about. Each of these moments chipped away at my arrogance, leaving a simple truth: I can and will mess up.
This changed my reaction to criticism. Instead of defending myself, I started considering if it might be valid.
I had to learn to put my ego aside and to offend myself.
Learning all of that only gets us to the point of feeling like we should apologize. That's progress but not enough. Unfortunately, 'sorry' may seem like it's the hardest word, but the words that follow are even harder and arguably more important.
I believe there’s only one right way to apologize.
The apology must include a clear description of what went wrong and express genuine remorse. The goal is to show understanding and introspection. Apologizing isn’t about conveying guilt but about building a foundation for future improvement.
A few examples of good apologies:
- I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me. I know it hurt you, and I’ll work on being more present.
- I apologize for dismissing your feelings. I’ll make an effort to listen better because you deserve that.
- I’m sorry for reacting defensively last night. I want to be more patient and really hear you.
Most importantly: Intent doesn’t matter. If my actions hurt someone, I should apologize, regardless of what I meant. Apologizing isn’t about defending my intentions, it’s about owning the impact they had and showing I’m willing to learn. A real apology is about understanding and growth.
A very bad apology sounds like this: I’m sorry you feel that way. This says nothing. It’s dismissive, adds no value, and offers no insight. Saying it—and hearing it—gets us nowhere.
Good apologies are a signal of strength. Showing understanding and not being defensive is something people appreciate.
Knowing how to apologize gave me room to make mistakes, learn from them, and move forward with kindness.
